I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
