Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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