Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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