The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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