Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
