The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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