Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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