i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
