My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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