Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
