I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i think i just lost a toe
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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