were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
