Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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