Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
