No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
