How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
