why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
