I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
