i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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