Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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