I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize