3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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