went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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