You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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