It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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