So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize