Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
