im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
They left me at home... I'm a liability
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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