HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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