Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
this beer tastes like vomit already
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
love makes seman taste better
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
