so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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