Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
