i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
