Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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