I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
