Got a toothbrush?
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize