That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
