There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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