Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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