Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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