I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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