the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
