you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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