I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
