dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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