im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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