I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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