The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Drunk is a universal language darling
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