We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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