I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
