I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
