So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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