Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
