If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize