Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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