i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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